Easiest Way to Make Six Figures?

April 8, 2011 § Leave a comment

Greetings friends.

I was driving home after my indoor soccer game the other night and instead of getting angry and wishing our goalie was familiar with the subject of geometry, I decided to try to concentrate on anything but the fact that an ostrich would’ve been more competent in net. Somehow, through my clusterfuck of thoughts, I came across a question that fired off the brain cells.

What is the easiest way to draw a six-figure salary in our fine country?

Now, before you burp up an immediate answer (e.g. POLITICIAN!), you must consider all the consequences. Here are just some of the factors I considered, along with some professions that my parameters have ruled out.

  • No commission-based jobs — I want only jobs that provide a consistent six-figure income.
  • No business executive jobs — Because these jobs are difficult, require very long hours and often drain the men and women that occupy them. They also provide many great benefits, but they certainly aren’t easy.
  • Trust-fund kids don’t count — This has to be a real job, not a dummy job like whatever the fuck Donald J. Trump Jr’s position is in daddy’s company.
  • No high-level professional athletes — Despite what some people may think, being a professional athlete would be fucking hard. Constant travel, constant wear and tear on your body, constant grind during the season, constant fear of your job unless you’re in the top 10 percent of your league, etc. Not nearly as glamorous and fun as it looks.

As I said before, this has to be a legitimate six-figure job, paid consistently over a year, with benefits and all that good stuff. What do you guys think? My answer is tenured college professor. Obviously, it takes some work to get there, but once a professor actually makes tenure, there’s only two ways he can lose his tenure, and they both involve the chancellor’s daughter. (I heard this from a professor once. Not sure what the similar analogy is for women professors.) Sure, most professors face ever-changing challenges and do some very important research, but some tenured professors throw together hastily made Powerpoints, slog their way through lectures and spend no more than 20 hours a week on campus. Trust me, I was taught by a few of them at Mizzou.

So that’s my answer. It’s unfair to the many professors that work their ass off and contribute important research and published material to academia, but that’s how it goes. What’s your answer?


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