Power Rankings: Animal Kingdom Groups

March 23, 2011 § Leave a comment

I’m back with more power rankings, folks! In the first installment of power rankings, I ranked the months of the year. This time, I’m taking a look at the six different groups of the animal kingdom. (And yes, I’m fully aware that I’m ranking these based on the fifth-grade level of phyla in the animal kingdom. Sue me.) This is somewhat timely since spring just started, which means it’s fishing season, migrating birds season and human-biting season for insects. Without further ado, here are the rankings.

1. Mammals

Hey, I’m in this category! Even though this planet would almost certainly have been better off without mankind, I’ve gotta put mammals number one. We can just do so much more than these other dipshit animal categories. We mammals, especially primates, have highly functional brains compared to all these other groups, and we humans can even think critically. I’d like to see a bee try to write an essay on Thomas Jefferson or even think beyond the most elementary level possible*. Stupid bees! Mammals also have the three coolest species of water creatures — whales, seals and dolphins. We basically make the world go round; plus, humans can build cool shit like buildings and robots. These other losers can only build rudimentary tools and modest shelter. Long live mammals!

*Food! Shelter! Sex!

2. Amphibians

I can’t lie; being able to function on water and land is pretty awesome. Plus, the name just sounds awesome. Amphibians. Amphibians. Amphibians. I could say that all day. Amphibians. This category earns extra points because it indirectly provided us with the Budweiser Frogs.

3. Insects

Fact: I have never liked a single insect I’ve come across. Another fact: I’ve been known to torture and kill various insects that I catch, including but not limited to: flies (duh), mosquitos, bees, ants, wasps, roaches, grasshoppers, lightning bugs and beetles. However, I respect insects because they can lift much more than their body weigh, can often jump much higher than their height. That’s impressive. They also outnumber every other category on this list and therefore could easily rule the world if those dumbasses’ brains ever evolved past the minuscule speck that it is right now. Just look at what termites can do to a house. Or what maggots can do to a corpse. Frightening stuff.

4. Reptiles

Reptiles are kind of cool and are an important part of the food chain (then again, what group isn’t?), but they are too slimy and creepy for my taste. Have you ever touched a reptile and not momentarily freaked out? I haven’t. I once dropped a turtle onto the back of its shell when he decided to brush his disgusting leg against my hand. Also, snakes freak me the fuck out. Even watching them on TV makes me slightly uncomfortable.

5. Fish

I guess some fish are harmless enough, and kind of tasty, and it’s cool that they can swim really well and breathe underwater and all that. But have you seen some of the freakshows that live deep under the ocean? I swear they literally spawned in hell, which makes sense since they live close to the core of the earth. These types of fish are weird and gross and most would totally freak me out if I ever encountered one in the ocean. Don’t tell me you would remain calm if you came face to face with a shark, octopus, squid or whatever the fuck this thing is below.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?

6. Birds

The only cool thing about birds is that they can fly. That’s it. Otherwise, birds are hopelessly stupid animals whose only use is eating worms and insects. Oh yeah, some of them taste great when breaded and served with green beans, but birds are so fucking dumb that they routinely fly into cars on the highway. If you’re a bird, why even come within 150 feet of ground level unless it’s time to eat? And what are you possibly going to eat on a highway in the middle of Missouri? Granted, some birds, such as eagles, falcons and ravens are badasses and deserve our respect, but the vast majority of birds are dipshits more of the ilk of pigeons and crows, both of which only exist to make a ton of noise and annoy people. Birds are the only reason why I would consider buying a shotgun and getting my hunting license. The fewer of these peanut-brained creatures around, the better.

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