Stay the Fuck out of my Life, MTV

March 16, 2011 § Leave a comment

I have had a long history of hating the absolute shit out of MTV. The vacuous morons that made up the “reality” TV casts of “The Hills,” “Real World” and all the other dipshit shows on that channel made me so ashamed of being a human that I briefly considered becoming a transspecieal like Kyle Broflovski’s dad when he was surgically transformed into a dolphin.

Unfortunately, such a procedure doesn’t exist, so not only I was unable to turn myself into a gorilla, I had to keep living in a world where people referenced these goddamn shows all the time. “OMG! Kristin, did you hear what Tila Tequila did last night??” or “Yo, bro, did you see (Person X) beat the shit out of (Person Y) on the Real World: Washington D.C. last night? Shit was real!”

Throughout high school and most of college, I managed to stay above the fray of MTV’s terribly depressing and frightening programming, which kept escalating in scale (“16 and Pregnant*” and “Skins” come to mind). Then the ubiquitous “Jersey Shore” (hereafter known as JS) came along, and I really had no choice but to watch it. I couldn’t sit through a single late night show’s monologue without hearing a JS reference. The cast was showing up all over the place. My friends all watched it. Shit, even our President referenced Snooki in a speech.

*The people who came up with, greenlit and continue to produce this show deserve to burn in hell for eternity. The parents who allow their sluts of daughters to be glorified on this show deserve to first be slowly tortured for 10 years, then burn in hell for 1,000 eternities. Anyone who watches it deserves to have their TV smashed to tiny pieces.

Honestly, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the first season of JS. Let me be clear that I have very little, if any, Italian heritage, so I had no reason to be offended. Plus, I found JS to be different from the other horseshit MTV aired. The cast seemed to be pretty genuine, and not just there to be famous. Remember, JS was a brand new show that had no predecessor, whereas Real World cast members knew exactly what they were signing up for and knew the show would guarantee them their 15 minutes. I thought the crazy emotions that Ronnie and Sammi exhibited toward each other were real, and I thought most of the characters, especially Snooki, Pauly D and Vinnie were generally pretty likable people. Not to mention the all-important fact that they were entertaining and interesting.

But then the second and third seasons came along. The cast members of JS were painfully self-aware of their fame. Whenever they went out, you just knew everyone at that club was aware of JS’s presence, which ruined the point of the show. I still watched the show a little just because it could still be somewhat entertaining as long as the producers weren’t blatantly intervening and manufacturing stupid story-lines. I knew that I was partially responsible for Snooki becoming a best-selling author (and no, that doesn’t mean I bought her book, which I’m assuming contains as many words as this blog post with the rest of the pages containing pictures) and for The Situation pulling in a ridiculous $5 million this past year, but I accepted it. America is always going to have assholes undeservedly getting rich; that’s what capitalism is all about.

But last night’s Roast of Donald Trump took this undeserved fame too far.

When I first heard that Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was one of the roasters, I cringed and hoped that Comedy Central would edit him out entirely and CGI someone who’s actually funny, like Sarah Silverman, Bill Maher or really anybody who’s had some kind of track record of performing comedy in public. But when the roast actually started, and they kept teasing that douchebag’s bit as the show was going to commercial, I knew that it was really happening. MTV had finally pushed its boundaries too far. I mean, just watch this shit. It’s so fucking bad that it completely surpassed my expectations. And I expected it to be uncomfortable, awkward and extremely stupid. It was all that and more. Supposedly, Comedy Central actually did edit The Situation because of some tasteless racist jokes. In reality, I’m sure the network edited him down because his bit was so fucking bad and they wanted to keep viewers from actually changing the channel, which I desperately wanted to do**.

**Bad comedy makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t find it funny that the person’s struggling. I just feel extremely awkward.

When MTV assholes start invading our culture this much, it’s clearly not a good sign for the country. Undoubtedly surprising to some of you, I’ve always tended to have a positive disposition in regard to this country’s evolution. Sure, we may not be up to par with much of the free world when it comes to education, but in general, we’re headed in the right direction. Each generation is smarter overall than the previous.

However, I’m genuinely afraid that if our pop culture keeps churning out dumbass, brainless shit like JS, which successfully targets the generation/demographic that’s supposed to be our next wave of leaders in this country (roughly ages 12-34), then we’re going to have a pretty major setback coming our way.

In that sense, maybe The Situation’s appearance was a good thing last night. MTV will learn to keep its — and I use this term in the loosest way possible — “talent” on its stupidass channel where it belongs and not let these assholes ruin a perfectly good — not to mention hilarious*** — roast or infiltrate anything else. Because I swear to God, if I see Snooki guest star on “Modern Family” I will lose my shit.

***Literally every other roaster was hilarious last night. My top 3, with apologies to a close runner-up in Marlee Matlin/Gilbert Gottfried, Snoop Dogg, Anthony Jeselnik and Lisa Lampanelli.

Or if someone wants to sabotage MTV’s signal and possibly vandalize its headquarters on a weekend when nobody’s in the building, that’ll work too.

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