Power Rankings: Months

March 3, 2011 § Leave a comment

If you don’t like power rankings, you can get the fuck out right now. Never read my blog again, and please eat some pig’s shit on the way out.

For the rest of you that stayed, which should be all of you, you know that power rankings are the shit. Doesn’t matter what the subject is, how many items are being ranked or if the material is grossly offensive. Therefore, I will be periodically posting power rankings of different subjects, which I will alternate between timely and completely random. The first subject, months, happens to be timely, seeing as how we just started March yesterday.

So here are my power rankings of months. These rankings will be very unscientifically rated based on the following criteria:

  • 40%: Weather.
  • 40%: Holidays. Yes, my birthday* counts.
  • 10%: Are you sad to see the month end when it’s over?
  • 10%: The name itself. How did the name come about? Can it double as a person’s name? Would you name your kid after that month? Is it hard to spell? Is it usually abbreviated?

*For all you assholes who don’t know, that would be December 5. Don’t forget it again.

1. May

Upsides: Cinco de Mayo; graduation parties; Memorial Day weekend; beautiful weather — sunny and mid-70s; weddings; pool openings; the unofficial start of summer; start of golf season; named after Gaia, the Greek goddess of fertility, which counts as a plus; not hard to spell and never abbreviated; hate when May is over.

Downsides: Finals week for students; probably wouldn’t name my kid May; the start of Horribly Shitty Movie and TV Season

Rating: 97/100

2. December

Upsides: Lots of holiday time; full-time employees often get a whole week off between Christmas Eve and Jan. 2; Christmas and all its festivities; Christmas presents; family homecoming of sorts; Winter break; for once, snow has potential to be more fun than annoyance; New Year’s Eve; lots of drinking and good food; ugly sweater parties; lots of movie-watching; nearing the start of NFL playoffs; usually sad to see December end because it means a hangover, both in literal (New Year’s Day) and metaphorical (back to grind) sense.

Downsides: Family time often includes in-laws too; spending a shitload of money; travel hassles due to weather; cold temperatures; name doesn’t make sense because it was named for the Roman calendar as the tenth month (“Dec” is prefix for 10).

Rating: 91/100

3. September

Upsides: Labor Day; baseball pennant races; start of NFL season and college football season; nice, breezy temperatures, much like May; lots of BBQs; still not too cold for swimming, running or any other outdoor activity; end of Horribly Shitty Movie and TV Season; beginning of tailgating season.

Downsides: Like December, its name makes no sense now (Sept. is prefix for 7); pool closings; associated (albeit unfairly) across the country as back-to-school month.

Rating: 89/100

4. October

Upsides: Mizzou Homecoming; Halloween parties, costumes, decorating, etc.; prime running season; prime tailgating season; nice, crisp temperatures that often require shorts and long-sleeved T-Shirts (Will Marsh and Brandon can back me up on how legit that combo is); hate seeing October end; October baseball (only if Cards are in it); start of NBA season.

Downsides: Again, name makes no sense (Oct. is prefix for 8); October ’06, as a fraternity pledge, was an awful experience due mainly to pomping; Halloween is usually pretty cool, but you don’t get a day off work or school for it, nor do you get one for any other October holiday, not even one in recognition of Dwarfism Awareness Month!

Rating: 85/100

5. April

Upsides: Signifies the start of spring; baseball’s opening day; NFL draft; Easter; first semi-taste of summer; named after Aphrodite, who was a babe; for all you religious people, the end of Lent.

Downsides: Lots of rain; don’t like the name for present-day people at all; Easter’s kind of lame, but at least you get a day off.

Rating: 79/100

6. July

Upsides: Fourth of July, which means blowing shit up and a day off; pool time; prime vacation season; named after Julius Caesar, which is kind of cool, I guess.

Downsides: Hot temperatures and often terrible storms it seems like; too much lawn-mowing; balls deep in work or summer school for most people.

Rating: 73/100

7. March

Upsides: St. Patrick’s Day; Formal for those still in college; March Madness; temperatures start to warm up; beginning of spring; sometimes hosts Mardi Gras, like this year!

Downsides: March Madness is sadly not a holiday; named after Mars, Roman god of war, which I guess is badass, but March makes me think of band nerds walking down the street; would most decidedly not consider naming my kid March.

Rating: 72/100

8. June

Upsides: NBA draft; official start of summer.

Downsides: No holidays; named after Jupiter’s (a.k.a. Zeus’s) wife, Juno, who was a train-wreck** and happens to be the name of a loathsome movie; starts to get hot.

Rating: 65/100

**And yes, I’m perfectly aware she was a train-wreck because her asshole of a husband cheated on her thousands of times, often in the most despicable ways imaginable and that the people who wrote these Greek myths were sexist pigs. But still, Juno was fucking crazy. Look up some of her stories.

9. August

Upsides: For summer schoolers, a nice two-week break or so at the beginning of the month; start of NFL pre-season (hey it’s something!); Hard Knocks on HBO; named after Augustus; could see naming a kid Augustus, but future mom almost would certainly deny it***.

Downsides: Start of school; usually the hottest and most humid month of the year, at least here; no holidays; dog days of summer; very few sports going on.

Rating: 58/100

***But would she deny Maximus? HOPEFULLY NOT!

10. November

Upsides: Thanksgiving; thanksgiving football; getting to see family.

Downsides: Incredibly depressing month in the few weeks before Thanksgiving — just seems to drag on forever; Once again, name is stupid; weather starts to get shitty; daylight savings time, which I hate and should be banned!

Rating: 53/100

11. January

Upsides: Martin Luther King Day; still a little bit of winter break; named after a badass Roman god.

Downsides: Back to school and work; huge metaphorical and literal hangover as mentioned before; usually when horrible snowstorms hit, and they’re not fun at all.

Rating: 49/100

12. February

Upsides: Mardi Gras, IF it lands in February; Super Bowl Sunday.

Downsides: No holidays, unless you work for the government, then you get President’s Day I guess; laziest month (really? only 28 days?); government has yet to make the day after the Super Bowl a holiday, which is a fucking travesty; hardest month to spell and/or say because of that stupid “r” in the middle; easily the most depressing month; end of football season.

Rating: 43/100

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